Doing Battle With A Demon

In a world where people are starving, I feel bad saying that I hate waking up feeling full. While I cannot say that I have a food addiction, I do reach for sugars and starches in much the way I imagine people with more deadly addictions begin.

I wonder sometimes if not being able to say no to another slice of cake or reaching for another scoop of ice cream when you promised yourself only a taste … I wonder if that is how it begins.

One moment it’s five extra pounds that make your clothes feel a bit tight and the next time you look up from the table you are carrying enough weight to feel it on your bones in a way that makes your joints hurt. You get out a breath faster when climbing a hill and you begin to understand why people call a developing tummy a spare tire.

You notice it mostly when you sit, but you know if this demon keeps gaining strength you will begin to feel it affecting other parts of your body. Your heart will suffer in physical ways that you have only read about and cannot imagine because until now heart pain has been about sadness and regret, not clogged arteries and heart disease.

It feels both extravagant and weak to say that I ate so much before bed that I know I will not be hungry until just before lunch. I also know that people who have bigger issues with weight than my little bit will likely think, ” What is she talking about? “

What am I talking about?

I know that late night snacking is a demon for me that has begun to spill over into my daytime eating so that any occasion can seem like a reason to indulge.

Some people will say just stop.

Stop eating they will say, but I know that I need to do more than just push back from the table or add more exercise to my day. I need to face down my enemy and call it out from where it lurks … waiting as it does to offer comfort in my weak moments in the form of a sweet flavored treat or a salty bag of chips.

Worse than a simple lack of self-control it feels like something bigger gnawing at me from the inside creating a deeper hunger that food cannot satisfy. It is a demon with no name yet … this hunger that has grown larger than my stomach can accommodate.


5 thoughts on “Doing Battle With A Demon

  1. Now that food is available in such quantities and in such poor quality (all that yummy sugar and fats), there are many of us struggling in the way you describe. Not obese but uncomfortable with the added weight. I’ve been “dieting” for months but have actually gained weight. I think it’s that I become obsessed with the eating/not eating when I should be obsessing over eating cleanly and eating only things that are real. If my great-grandmother wouldn’t recognize it, it ought not to go into my mouth. Eating that way alone would likely improve my health and weight. But oh, those Cheetos call to me!

  2. This is a timely post for me. I find myself reaching for comfort in the form of food so often and I too am learning to recognize it as a bell–calling me to ask what I am REALLY hungry for and what feeling I am trying to dull with the food.

  3. I will pray for your conquering this demon indeed. And I acknowledge that I say this as a woman who is 30 lbs. overweight, without snacking, but I just don’t move (which I feel is probably the more dangerous end of things). Here’s hoping the tide will turn in this area for you and me.

  4. I can so relate to this post. I reach points where I know I’m eating to fill some void (it’s usually when I’m bored at work, or restless in my life in general). I start feeling like it’s my RIGHT to eat what I want. I DESERVE this.

    I’ve done similar patterns almost every year with food, novels, or TV shows. I get to an obsessive, angry level where this is MINE and no one can take it away. When I get to that point, I know I have to kill the behavior as well as examine the motive. I use Lent each year to give up whatever behavior is ruling me at that time. I know that this year it will be sweets (again). I’m using food as a reward and it’s getting ugly.

  5. Hi. I’ve really struggled with loving junk food – chips, too much bread, etc. I read a book from library called Food Power (but I can’t find it on Amazon). The 7 words he based his small book from are EAT FOOD. MOSTLY VEGETABLES. NOT TOO MUCH. He was a reporter who researched the whole food thing and said the more he studied it the simpler it got. Now my husband has a mild case of prostate cancer so thank God he is very agreeable to go the good nutrition route. I even bought the Hallelujah Acres training CDs and workbooks. So we are aiming at 85% raw and 15% cooked – not there yet, but trying to eat the things that feed our cells not our appetite.

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