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The Hamster Wheel In My Head

Life is not a big party this trip. It’s certainly not a holiday and in fact has produced more stress than I could have imagined. For several weeks before I flew to Atlanta, I was struggling. I knew that this would be a busy trip with a great deal of things that needed to be crossed off the big list in my head, I knew there would be work involved.

I felt anxious and slightly blue not wanting to leave John even though I was really happy knowing I would see my daughter and my family and friends. I think now that my uneasiness about my visit to America was my intuitive sense trying to prepare me for some of what is happening now.

I don’t want to go into too much detail, but it appears as though I may be here for some time. There are things happening that I have little control over which is extremely difficult for me. No one is ill, and I have been blessed with strong support from friends and family, but I am struggling to let go of fear and worry. My husband John feels so far away right now and even though he is supportive from a distance, I miss him even more since I have no clear idea when I will be able to see him or go home again.

As you may well imagine, my position on the hamster wheel in my head is not especially conducive to my writing and posting.

I wish I could say more than I am almost sick with worry, but I can’t for now. I am trying to find something positive in these events, but even with my normal glass half-full nature, it is difficult to do. The only thing I can say is that when I come out on the other side, I will certainly have a new set of experiences to influence my writing.

It feels dark and scary not knowing when I will be done with all of this, I normally handle crisis well when there is something I can do to control the outcome. Much of this is beyond my control so I am trying to ” Stay Calm and Carry On” as they say in my adopted country.

Tips on letting go would be useful at this point as it feels like everything I every knew about adversity and loss seems to have left me. I thought I was well-practiced in handling tough challenges, but perhaps I’ve grown soft in Cornwall living a low stress life with John.

Let me say again, everyone is healthy and our homes are intact unlike the sad situations of many in the American south who were affected by the tornadoes, and I tell myself this over and over hoping to ease the feeling of anxiety that is with me all the time now.

I hope you’ll be patient with my posting. It’s likely to be sporadic and I have no idea what might show up here as things unfold. Send me some peace if you’ve got any extra and please, share with me how you deal with tough times.

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4/16/07 – A VT Mom Remembers

Virginia Tech 4.17.07

We are strong, and brave, and innocent, and unafraid. We are better than we think and not quite what we want to be. We are alive to the imaginations and the possibilities. We will continue to invent the future through our blood and tears and through all our sadness.

~ Nikki Giovanni

I woke this morning to see this quote on my daughter Miranda’s Facebook page along with a few words of her own noting the significance of this day for her and for many associated with Virginia Tech and its community. She has shared with me some of the private ways she remembers the 32 who died that day and I’m grateful that she has found a way to honor their memory in a way that hopefully gives her some sense of peace.

I say hopefully, and peace, with more optimism than I really feel because I’m not sure how one who has been in the middle of something so violent and unexplainable can ever really let go of some of the questions that have no answers.

This is not the first time I’ve written about this day and likely won’t be the last. I know the events of 4.16.07 have had a lasting impact on my daughter and I worry as a mother does about the silent sorrows that remain hers alone, the thoughts she chooses not share.

My father died 20 years ago, long before Miranda could know him well enough to have any memory of him and for the last few weeks I have been hearing something he wrote. It’s been in my head on an endless repeat cycle almost in the way you hear a tune that won’t go away and I’ve been puzzled as to why until just this minute as I was considering my daughter and how inadequate I’ve felt over the last four years watching her deal with her memories on her own.

People we love reach out to us in their own time or sometimes not at all and if it’s your child, watching from the sidelines can be a difficult position to occupy. I tend to be emotional and very open with my feelings, giving in easily to my tears now after years of holding back. Miranda is more stoic and more like my dad, tender-hearted for sure but private and contained. It’s interesting that I’d not noticed that similarity until today and it comforts me to feel as if my dad were reaching out in a way with some paternal advice reminding me of who I once was and how our positions are now reversed.

The words that have been with me the last few weeks seem perfect in this moment and the meaning clear as I struggle with my own memories and search for ways to support a daughter who seems fine on her own. I am quoting my father when I say to my daughter as he once quietly said to me, ” I am here as you need me. “

And I add to his words my own, saying, ” In this, and in all things, I am here as you need me “

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What To Wear When You Work At Home & Other Thoughts

It’s 9:15 here and I’m still in my jammies. In a few minutes, I’ll change into my work clothes which often look like the photo below that John took of me the other day. That’s me with my sweet little Canon G11 that allows me capture most of the images you see here, at least those I’ve taken since September 2010.

My work at home attire must meet certain requirements, comfort and flexibility for movement are key so I can crawl out onto to the rocks if necessary when I want to get close to my subject. My camera must be in my other hand because I’m trying to get that stick out of my shot without falling in the water.

I need to tell you that this spot is walking distance from the house here in Cornwall and not  a photo from New Zealand as John and I like to refer to it when discussing it in passing as in, ” You know the river spot that looks like it’s from a Peter Jackson movie.”

Yesterday, I attended a planning strategy meeting. I left the laptop and cell phone behind and took notes the old-fashioned way with a pen on some small squares of paper which I carried in my pocket and scribbled on when I had an idea I thought might work for a novel I’m writing. I was interrupted a few times in the lanes by passing cars requiring me to give way. Some even caught me with pen and paper in hand which must have looked funny given I was dressed for a run like in the first photo. (The photo below is one of the lanes in summer)

There were some other distractions though, seven to be specific. Unlike the old days when a colleague might drop by to discuss a project, my distractions were a different sort. Having intentionally left my camera at home yesterday, I have to substitute a couple of older photos taken on days out like yesterday. Distractions that like to give your hand a lick and wag their tail with delight are always welcome in my world.

This was taken in the buttercup field I’m always referring to in other posts.

Here are a few examples of past work clothing.

I had to wear this look five days a week for three and a half years. It made getting ready for work in the morning very easy.

I’m on the far left in this shot taken during my pharmaceutical career. I won a sales award that night. Judging by the look on my face this must have been taken before I won it. This company did not like for women to wear slacks to work even if it was a suit. Not sure how the woman in the back pulled it off. ( I never realized the size of those shoulder pads, yikes! )

This was taken on a day when I did a presentation along with a local physician who talked about HIV related anemia. I remember this day very well because an older man on crutches (permanent, not temporary) came up to me later and shook my hand. He held it a bit longer than one normally would and said, ” You’re a writer ” which was totally out of context for the event and certainly unrelated to anything I had said that day. I remember I got all teary and had to work to keep from crying.

His look was intense and later when I asked someone about him, they said he had a gift for knowing things and that people went to see him for help. They stopped short of saying psychic as he didn’t like to be called psychic, but said he was known for helping people with his gift. It was certainly an unexpected gift to me that day. To have a stranger sum up something so important, something I barely allowed myself to think about as a real possibility given my work schedule and other things, well … I’ve never forgotten it.

I worked with these ladies on projects a time or two. This one was a breakfast on World AIDS Day. Three of us were working for pharmaceutical companies while Debra at the far left, organized the breakfast and worked for a local hospital at the time. She went on to work with Karen who is standing behind me. Karen ended up working for my old company when she and Debra where downsized from her longtime employer.

Sometimes my work day attire was more fun that other days and I had to hang out with half-naked men. No jokes please about that fanny pack or bum bag, depending on your country of origin, that I’m wearing around my waist. It was a company giveaway and I had to do it.

This was a bad phone photo of me dressed for work in 2008 when I was working for a local hospice. I was in a doctor’s office at the time and wanted to email John a photo of me at work. Can you tell I like black?

 

Elizabeth Harper - Wedding Photographer 2009

Here’s a job I love doing and what I generally like to wear when I’m working. (Note … I hate to shoot posed group shots like this and only do it on request) I’m not sure who to credit for this photo.

John took this one of me shooting from the balcony of a church in Barford, England as the bride was entering. I like to wear black when I photograph weddings and so far no one has yet to confuse me with a waiter. If anyone ever asks me for a drink, I’ll just smile innocently and say, ” Yes please.”

That’s it for today, I’ve got to tie on my work shoes and hit the road for another planning meeting. Sometimes I talk to myself when I’m working through plot lines and yesterday I got caught by an older man who I didn’t see working behind a hedge in his back garden. I felt obliged to stop and explain and I’m still not sure if what I said made sense. His Cornish accent was pretty thick and one can only say, “Pardon?” so many times without feeling foolish. It’s the kind of thing that could come up later in pub conversation as in, ” Aye, did ya know that American girl talks to herself when she’s writing her notes in the lanes. “

Sounds like a partial blurb for a book jacket in a way … American author, Elizabeth Harper, wrote much of her first published novel on notecards while pretending to run through the lanes around the village in Cornwall that she calls home. It was only after hearing a bit of good-natured pub chatter about her antics that she decided on the title, ” Mad Lizzy ” for this well written first book.

It’s actually not the name of the novel I’m working on, but I like it so well that I might use it for something later. What do you think?

 

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Between The Earthquakes In Christchurch

John Winchurch In Christchurch, New Zealand

Waking this morning to the news of another earthquake in Christchurch, I searched the internet and was sad to see the loss of lives during this most recent quake. When John and I were in Christchurch two months ago there were still many signs of the previous earthquake in September. Our hotel was right around the corner from the cathedral that was hit so hard yesterday in the center of Christchurch. Pictures of the 110 year old ChristChurch cathedral are everywhere showing the collapsed spire and roof damage and I wanted to share with you what it looked like when we were there in December, only nine days before Christmas.

I loved the angels which I imagine were up for the Christmas season.

Also near our hotel was this older building which housed several shops where I enjoyed meeting the owners and making a few purchases. I hope the people I met survived the earthquake.

I searched for them online, but could not find an email link to one in particular. Vanessa Hardy has a wonderful shop in the green building above and I wish I could find a way to see if she and her shop, Tete-a-Tete made it safely through the quake. I had hoped to write about her earlier, but I have not had time to write about my New Zealand experience since we returned so it is only now that I am taking a minute to tell you about her. I bought one of my favorite new (to me) scarves in her shop and we shared our stories about how we met our lovely men. I stayed so long that I had a chance to meet her sweetie, Warren Chilton when he arrived just before closing time.

I also bought the book above in a bookstore on site, Fortuna Books. It feels like a strange coincidence that I happened to be reading that book last night when I went to sleep.

Judging by the time difference, I was reading about pioneer women in New Zealand when Christchurch was breaking up. I pulled it off the bookshelf late last night choosing it over the three or four books already on my bedside table. I had been reading a book of short stories by Tobis Wolf, but last night felt like reading this one instead.

Strange, but true … it feels kind of woo-woo to me now, but John would say it was just chance.

I sent an email off to the bookstore owner and hope to hear all is well in the building since I can’t find a way to check on Vanessa. If one of my New Zealand readers hears any news, I would appreciate knowing that Vanessa and those around her in the other shops in the Green building made it safely through the earthquake.

ChristChurch Cathedral - Christchurch, New Zealand

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Steve Jobs And The Future Of Apple

Child In Apple Store In Paris 2010

Speculation filled the internet with the announcement yesterday that Steve Jobs would be taking another medical leave. Being a long time Apple/Mac fan, I had a normal sense of , ” Oh no, ” for the man before moving into wondering how this might affect the future of Apple. I know it takes a lot of people to tend any garden, but Steve Jobs has long been head gardener in the Apple orchard of ideas and I had to wonder what future harvests might look like if he did not return.

I took the photograph above shooting through the glass into an Apple store in Paris last September when I was there with my sister Margaret. The child on the table intrigued me and I thought immediately that she was likely a future consumer for Apple products and I could not resist taking the shot.

I have long been a fan myself and while I have used a variety of computers in my corporate life, my creative life has been nurtured and supported by Apple since 1993 when I purchased my first computer, a Macintosh TV.

Photo Credit - Vintage Mac Museum

One of only 10,000 made it was pulled from the market after a short while and remains a collector’s item. It was not my smartest computer investment, but being a sentimental sort I still own it.

Although I was already an adult of 33 when I bought my first computer, I still feel as if I grew up with Apple and despite a temporary flirtation with PC’s brought on by my business life, I have been totally faithful since my return in 2004 when I became the owner of iMac G5 which seemed like a Lear jet when compared to my Macintosh TV.

Computers aside, I do hope Steve Jobs is only taking a short break and soon has a return to good health, but truly it’s more for his own sake and the people who love him than concern for the company. Apple has deep roots thanks to Steve Jobs and nothing is likely to change that … at least not for this Mac user.

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Mt Eden April Fool’s Prank – Truth Or Fiction

You hear a lot of stories on the road and this one made me curious as to whether it actually happened as the story was told or if it is perhaps an urban legend gone wild. If any of my readers know the truth, please share it in a comment below as I can’t find a confirmation on the internet.

The Story: About eighteen years ago some University of Auckland students decided to play a big April Fool’s prank on the people around Auckland. They dropped a bunch of old tires into the crater of this long dormant volcano and set the tires on fire in the night so people waking up the next morning were greeted with what they perceived as smoking volcanic activity and before you could say boo, people had packed up their cars to drive to a safer place away from the impending doom. All roads were jammed with traffic and by the time someone walking their dog had taken a look into the crater and verified the hoax it took hours for the traffic to clear and many people were forced to take the day off.

Truth or Fiction?

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Doing Battle With A Demon

In a world where people are starving, I feel bad saying that I hate waking up feeling full. While I cannot say that I have a food addiction, I do reach for sugars and starches in much the way I imagine people with more deadly addictions begin.

I wonder sometimes if not being able to say no to another slice of cake or reaching for another scoop of ice cream when you promised yourself only a taste … I wonder if that is how it begins.

One moment it’s five extra pounds that make your clothes feel a bit tight and the next time you look up from the table you are carrying enough weight to feel it on your bones in a way that makes your joints hurt. You get out a breath faster when climbing a hill and you begin to understand why people call a developing tummy a spare tire.

You notice it mostly when you sit, but you know if this demon keeps gaining strength you will begin to feel it affecting other parts of your body. Your heart will suffer in physical ways that you have only read about and cannot imagine because until now heart pain has been about sadness and regret, not clogged arteries and heart disease.

It feels both extravagant and weak to say that I ate so much before bed that I know I will not be hungry until just before lunch. I also know that people who have bigger issues with weight than my little bit will likely think, ” What is she talking about? “

What am I talking about?

I know that late night snacking is a demon for me that has begun to spill over into my daytime eating so that any occasion can seem like a reason to indulge.

Some people will say just stop.

Stop eating they will say, but I know that I need to do more than just push back from the table or add more exercise to my day. I need to face down my enemy and call it out from where it lurks … waiting as it does to offer comfort in my weak moments in the form of a sweet flavored treat or a salty bag of chips.

Worse than a simple lack of self-control it feels like something bigger gnawing at me from the inside creating a deeper hunger that food cannot satisfy. It is a demon with no name yet … this hunger that has grown larger than my stomach can accommodate.

 

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Lesson One – Jersey Girl Talks About The Tooth Fairy

 

Tooth Fairy Talk

While I am always interested in learning new things, I did think that I had worked out all this tooth fairy business long ago until this morning when Jersey Girl gave me a lesson in what happens when one loses one’s teeth. It seems things are a bit different from what I was told many years ago and I am not sure how such misinformation was passed along to me, but let me share another viewpoint that was the topic of conversation over coffee and juice this morning.

According to Jersey Girl, each person has their very own personal tooth fairy who comes for your teeth while you sleep. If you are curious and have questions for them such as the name of your fairy or where they live, you can leave a note under your pillow next to the envelope holding your tooth and they will write the answers for you to read in the morning.

It turns out that Jersey Girl’s tooth fairy is named Tia while her friend Holly’s fairy goes by the name of Jemima. Annie is another friend who while she does not know her fairy’s name yet, she has been told by her fairy that she lives in the garden near Annie’s house. This name bit is all news to me and I was also surprised to find out that your personal fairy takes care of you and only you until you are no longer losing your teeth. After you have no more teeth to exchange they simply move on to someone new who happens to share your name.

After hearing this news, I wondered if perhaps my tooth fairy might have also been fairy to some more famous children named Elizabeth as in those who grew up to be known as Queen Elizabeth I and II. I wonder too if my fairy might have popped by to collect Elizabeth Taylor’s teeth or any of the women named Elizabeth who preceded me in my family.

One thing they do not have on Jersey (according to JG) or at least in her social circle are the small bags or tooth pouches that we have in the US to put teeth in for the overnight tooth collection and exchange. Armed with this bit of information, I suggested we make one during her visit.

I will be back with photos as our project unfolds and any tips you may have for making tooth fairy purses are certainly welcomed along with a link in the comments below.

 

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Jersey Girl Returns To Cornwall With Her Buddy Boris

Jersey Girl With Boris The Bear

We are having a visitor this week with the arrival of John’s granddaughter from Jersey. She is crossing the channel by ferry today with her mother and will be with us for most of next week. You know how much fun we have when we get together and I do have a few things I am planning for her stay. While not as full on as the Pirate Party we had last time, I think we will manage to make a few more memories worth talking about when she goes back to school after the break.

Since she will be coming in a car, she will have her bike with her and I asked her mom to bring her scooter too. Back in 2009 when I was packing my things for the move from Atlanta to Cornwall, I found my daughter’s old Razor scooter stored in the attic and shipped it over thinking I might scoot with Jersey Girl one day. It is something I have looked forward to and should be interesting since I have never really used one before.

Warning: If you live in our village and are reading this now, you might want to give me wide berth if you see me coming down the road or perhaps help me up if you see me sprawled in it.

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Public Displays Of Affection – When Is It Too Much?

While in London last month with my sister, we had a walk along the Thames after John arrived on my birthday. With only two days left on our visit, John took us on a walking tour to some of the places we had not managed to see during our time in London. We saw and photographed a great many interesting places and things on our walk, but the couple below turned out to be the oddest of the day for me.

 

Public Affection On London Street

 

As we turned from the river and went down a nearby street, I was surprised to see a couple about my age having what was clearly an intimate moment in a public place, in the middle of the afternoon. My sister Margaret and I had been walking with our cameras in hand the whole day and as we approached and they did not move, I could not help but snap a photo or two.

This slightly blurry one gives you another look at just how absorbed they were in their connection. Her eyes were closed and he seemed  to be talking to her as we passed, but softly with words that only she could hear.

I took this image after I looked back and saw that their position had not changed.

Immediately after that, a couple walked by and I caught their expression just after they had given the couple a surprised look. I wish I could have gotten their initial expression especially that of the woman who looked rather shocked to see this private moment happening within a few feet of her.

When I turned back for a last look, I half expected to see they might have moved apart, but they were still there behaving as if the world was not passing by. John and I discussed it later and thought that perhaps they might have been having an affair and had no time to go to a place to carry on privately.

I don’t think of myself as a prude, but I do think that some things should be done without the benefit of an audience. What about you …would this have caught you off guard as it did me or would it have not even rated a second glance on your internal shock meter?

For the record, I asked John this morning what he thought and he said he was amused rather than shocked and thought the couple were as he put it, ” … probably grabbing a quick snog because he had to go home to his wife.” If that is so then my blogging about it may not be the best thing for the couple, but a good one for a wife who might need a better understanding of her husband’s latest project at work.