Two-Ton Tessie And Other Vile Things

“I have had more than enough of your abuse thank you very much and if that’s all you have to say then I am not going to listen. You’re too right that things have to change around here and the first thing is how you speak to me!” She said all of this standing in front of me looking straight into my eyes after I’d had another in series of meltdowns. Always proud in the past of my ability to maintain some self-control, I’ve been losing it more and more lately.

“How can you call me such names and do the things you have to me, why can’t you find other ways to deal with your anger, heartache, or frustration instead taking it out on me? Haven’t I always been there for you, remember all the times when you barely slept, or were so stressed at work that you thought you’d lose your mind, I was there for you, I kept you going! ”

I listened to her, ashamed that I had lost control again. How could I after all the promises I’d made over and over in the past. I’d worked hard on myself talking at length with those with more experience to sort through all the reasons why I kept losing control, but still here I was again spewing out those same old nasty hurtful words that I said before, words full of shame, blame, and disgust.

Listen, she said, ” You are so much more than you think you are and all of this is within your power to change if you would only change how you see yourself.”

I listened knowing what she said was true and how if I could just let go of my need to feed my emotions then the last piece of my life could come into balance.

Speaking more tenderly than I felt I deserved after my mistreatment of late, she said,” You know yourself so well, just listen more carefully the next time you hear the words,’ I’m hungry ‘ and think, is it truly your body talking or some other need.”

” I need for you take better care of me ” she said, ” Be kinder to me please and no more nasty name calling.” ¬†Standing in a wreck of a room, with clothes heaped around me that no longer fit, I stood there staring into the mirror, absorbing her words and resolving once again to do better next time.

10 thoughts on “Two-Ton Tessie And Other Vile Things

  1. This is so so true of me too. And not to be condescending in anyway but I sure wish I could give you a hug and give you a glimpse of how I see you…you are gorgeous. But then obviously that is the problem isn’t it….not how the world sees us (whether great or grizzly) but how we feel with our own reflection, and that we truly know our worth before the Lord (this has to do with the nasty name calling part–I have called out “Cow” not referring to the ones in our pasture); and how honest we are with ourselves and how we care for ourselves(bodily and emotionally). I go through these same bouts, especially post lupus diagnosis(with the awful skin blotches, and I honestly feel my skin has aged five years in one year) and oh, yeah, being 30 pounds overweight. But it just happens, I pray, give myself the pep talk, hubby encourages me, and I will keep trying. I feel ya girl.

  2. wow. that was really powerful stuff.

    I read in a book just today about a man who lost a lot of weight. He said that we need to stop worrying about what we can’t control. And if we could only do that we could free up our energies to focus on what we can do something about. What interested me was that he said we can’t control our weight. Which goes against some grain in me. He said, try standing on the scales and demanding your weight changes…. yup…. me too… What we can control is what we put in our mouths and how much exercise we do. Give up with the weight thing. focus on what we can do. I know my relationship with my mirror image changes according to what day of the month it is and whether I am in a lift (horrid flourescant lighting) or in a candlit room (ah, much better!) But at the end of the day, the best best thing is when I am happy on the inside. then I am shiny and I feel better and look better (even if there may be no actual change)

  3. Hi Elizabeth, this post lost me.. sorry, maybe not reading it right. I have re-read it…. are you saying it is you who is over weight …. and it is you talking to yourself?

    I hope you are ok, and then this week goes well for you xx

    • Yep! That’s exactly what I’m saying Anne. It may not look like much in the photos you see of me here, but my waistline has all but disappeared. I know 20 or 30 pounds doesn’t seem like a lot when some people struggle with so much more, but self-loathing over body image and self-control are such huge issues that I thought I’d share my own experience. I am okay and thank you for thinking of me. I’m trying to focus as I said on eating only when hungry and stepping out more often for the more rigorous exercise that my body used to get before I began spending so much time writing at my computer.

  4. I made this discovery in teh last year = that actually, I have a hard time recognising when my body is really hungry. The many extra pounds I carry show this! I found the discovery to be a revelation…and I go through this mirror exercise abuse too I think there is hope for us all. And the need to be kind to one self is the only way, I believe, that any one is successful in losing their weight AND, having a good body image no matter what weith they are. Not lenient, but kind, compassionate and accepting. Having seen the pics of me wresting with a crane the day before yesterday, I’m off to try and put my own advice into practice…dear me!

  5. Pleased I came across your blog and found this post.

    Love your honesty – as women we can be so very hard on ourselves never measuring up to unrealistic expectations.

    I was recently told, think of all the women who may have lost a limb, have a facial disfigurement, be existing with a terminal illness -they would do anything to be 20 pounds overweight and have to go buy a bigger dress size.

    Beauty is an inside job, just like happiness. be gentle with yourself, you are the only self you have.

    Smiles and blessings

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